absolutely trash.

So last Saturday, October 25th, gawd was testing me. Yes, it was BEYOND STUPID of me to drive to Bandung on the weekends. Having to live in Bandung for FOUR YEARS I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT. Plus the fact that that very saturday, October 25th, THERE WERE FOUR UNIs HELDING THEIR GRADUATION CEREMONY! ON THE SAME FRIGGIN DAY. IN A CITY AS BIG AS BANDUNG.

So damn you B plates! damn you JALAN BEBAS HAMBATAN DENGAN HANYA DUA JALUR! damn you factory outlets! and damn you dewi persik!

wait ~.^’ Neva mind >_>

Why didn’t I get up freakishly earlier to avoid that mad mad madly crazy mad traffic madness?? It was insane, Andre! Insane!!

I can still feel the stiffness in my foot. I need a massage. an exotic massage. fine wine. and a good record selection! and my boyfriend. in a fireman suit. play some Marvin Gaye to set the mood. now take off that top. but leave those strap thingys on… *spaces out*

Noph. didn’t work. Urkle just ruined it for me.

Click here to learn the Urkle dance.

and here’s a little something I wrote in my car while NOT MOVING AN INCH FOR HOURS:

lunch time. skipped breakfast. global warming’s a bitch. air conditioner is the major contributor. normally would still turn it on anyways. running low on gas. moronically forgot to fill the tank before leaving city. still a long drive home. thirsty. traffic jam. ipod’s playing fave song from the shins. cassette adapter is asking for a bitch slap. cellphone beeps. one multimedia message. photo of boyfriend. smiling.

“and when it’s really bad I guess it’s not that bad…”

It is safe to say that the whole PMS drama had reached it’s final episode! After listening to Jack Johnson’s BREAKDOWN for quite a while (I decided to pick a less emo theme song because, why not?), I came to a conclusion: The P in PMS will also stand for POST if you let it.

So I decided to stop being the miserable little puke a bipolar snob could be when PMSing, and send out some of my not-so-very-impressive resume (with the support of my magically warm hearted boyfriend) so I could be more occupied,,, which will help me stop obsessing on this (Click it. You’d be glad you did), and focus more on this (Click it. I know you want to). *big grin followed by an orgasm*

But off course because I haven’t even graduated yet -shut up if you love me- (and the high chance of the psychotests I follow will result; psycho bitch OCD-ing on bedsheets and dinning tables), I can’t really go anywhere right now.

MUST.FINISH.THESIS.FIRST. then whatever I want to do afterward…won’t be much. UW! Newsflash: I got a part time job teaching english for toddlers!

Do I sense panic? *evil laughter*

Naah, I am very aware that my english is going to hell.
And that I have bizarre and violent mood swings as well.
It rhymed, Andre! It rhymed! (plus, I am corny that way).

Part of it is true though. I did get that part time job I wanted. Will start on November. Will be exciting. Will meet new people. Will make the most of my last months in Bandung. Will and Grace TV series.

Reason why I wrote that last bit: Why not?

I looked my name up in urbandictionary.com oh such a beautiful web site it is…

Yoan - good looking, attractive girls/woman. origininating from jock hornby Example: ‘omg check that bit of yoan’, ‘omg you got yoaned’ , ’safe bit of yoanage’ , ‘check that yoan-a-cycle out’, ‘i made that yoan moan’

High Five!! Oh but there’s more…

Yoan - verb/noun. A self-replicating virus that spreads by inserting copies of itself into other executable scenario’s, events, or documents. Usually attacking elite networks through infiltration and deception. Example: OMG. We are getting yoan’d. - Bloody stalker! What a yoan.

Nyahahahah~ And since I am a very nice person (and I’m bored), I did my friends a ‘favor’ by looking up their names also. Yes, I am that sweet. *blinks innocently*

P.S. friends that are not mentioned here haven’t had their names defined yet by the site. (or they have, but the definitions are just not that much of a fun. Haha)

Mya - just a shortening to “Move your Arse.” Example: joe: Hey, don’t U got to go eat dinner? jack: yep, I got. joe: so mya and back soon!

Nina - When used by Jeezy, it means 1/4 ki of cocaine, or 9 ounces. Example: Jeezy: “I gotta NINA left, do anybody want it?”

Egan - Another word for a retard who has their hair combed by their mothers. Used as an insult by using it behind someones first name, E.g. John Egan. Example: Haha, Look at him, Such an Egan.

Adin - When you feel like adding more gay onto a word. Example: Elliot: Hey look I am a fagadin.

Robert (as in my future Hubby; Robert Downey Jr). - Robert, a man’s man with a very large penis who is an extremely generous lover. Example: I mounted Robert last night… OMG he’s hung like a horse an fucks like a stallion.

Stefano - A term used to describe a male who is an overweight, fatass retard thinks he’s good at everything when in fact he sucks, and whose favorite phrase is “proskill”. Also may be gay, and thinks he’s hot. Example: Stefano: What’d you get on the math test? I got 45%. I OWN you with my proskills! Random kid: Um, that’s great… I got 90%. Stefano: *tries to slug random kid in head but misses and slugs self instead* Random kid: Oh, yes. You OWN me.

Nia - A sexy female with a nice juicy booty. Often stared at by white boys, grown ass men and black boys. Often hated on by fellow girls with no ass. Example: That shorty got a nice Nia. I wanna tap that Nia. Can I tap that Nia? That Nia is lookin scrumptious today.

Stella - a disco girl, usually caught wearing short skirts, heavy make-up and chewing gum. occasionally referred to as part of the canine species. found in groups of three or more at high schools and shops. Example: tripp: man, i hate stellas as much as i hate dogs. lex: same species when you think about it. stella: don’t stare too long, boys, you’ll go blind. (you can see up her skirt.)

Calvin - A dirty and slutty homosexual. Example: Mr. Churchill is a total calvin. I heard he had sex with five dudes last night…all at the same time!

Sabrina - A sexual postion in whice the woman is grabbing the mans personnal areas and continues until the man screams “oh god!” or Something of that nature. Example: Girl: *squeezing mans balls” Boy: i think this is the best orgasm i’ve ever had. wow i love this sabrina.

Prima - a juice box. you say prima even if that isnt the actual brand of your juice. Example: hey mate can you grab me a pineapple prima from the friza

and here’s (a not yet done) something,, because I’m corny that way… hnyammh~

Almost graduating from my UNI strangely makes me even want to step out from my comfort zone more. Too late? I hope not.

I’m a sucker when it comes to trust, so in some way I don’t know, I sort uv build up this self-defense mechanism to ‘distant myself’ from new people. Like creating a jurang or whatever my 10 years of bestfriend, Egan, used to say I unconsciously do.

So the next time I fear stepping out of my comfort zone, I think of the friends I didn’t get to know, and the people I regret ever spending energy and emotion on. The guys that turned out to be frogs.. and the frogs that no matter how many times you kiss them, stays amphibian.

I realize what I’ve lost when I didn’t take the next day’s quiz seriously. And even more on the days when I took the exams too seriously that I wasted a perfectly beautiful evening being anti-social in my room.

Also the days I went to class hating the lecturer and the days I ditched classes with the warmest lecturer just to go hang out with friends (I mean WTF Jo?! There are people who find education a luxury and you’re actually throwing all the good things away because you find it fun?? You could’ve done it on the weekends, but noooo weekdays are more FUN).

There were also days when I let my closest people abuse me verbally and dictate how to feel about myself. That was severely idiotic. Even for me! (Never give a rat’s ass towards what people say about you, even when it’s something overwhelming. Cliché as it may sound; just listen to yourself lagh~ Kalau kata bungkus permen karet Big Bubble, “anggap pujian itu ujian” *stares meaningfully* haha).

Ah, and how I wasted those days I stayed with a guy in a hope that I could somehow put his drug problem to an end. How could I ever forget I was once THAT dumb!? Luckily I have some pretty good friends that slapped me out of it. Playing Mother Theresa is never a solution when it comes to having relationships with morons. Leaving, however, is.

I’m not saying I regret doing all the above. I’m just saying that, sometimes, realistically, I do wish I had done some things differently. Yeah..yeah.. go bitch on me those ‘live life without regret’ idealism jargon. Admit it, there’s always that moment where you stopped for even just a second to think “damn I should’ve!” or “damn I shouldn’t!”. And that’s ok. Because at the end what really matters is whether you give in to that voice inside your head or you resist it.

So yeah, I think it’s human to be against Robbie Williams’ song. Because I think the  reason you’re singing no regrets at the first place is because you are actually in the middle of feeling some regret. So you sing it to turn it around, to encourage yourself to step out of the crap because, and it’s true, you don’t need it.

No one needs to be in a shitty state. But somehow, people keep going there. Maybe because they’re tired. Maybe because they’re lonely. And maybe because they don’t know where else to go.

So I guess it’s safe to say that life, among other interpretations or self-definitions, is also about learning how to get yourself out of that dark place, and realizing at the end that there are some people who are blonde enough to want to drag you out of there. (And as return, you find in yourself the willingness to kill for the people you feel like killing in some other moments).

Come to think of it, and after several throwing punches in the air moments, the mistakes you made really shouldn’t be regretted. Because they help you tell right from wrong, good from bad, fake from true. There’s no manual or guide book in living life. So it’s OK if you did something wrong once in a while… or if someone you give a fuck about does you wrong. Shit happens. So you really don’t need to be all mellow dramatic about it.

Yeah, I guess being the kid who always knows the right thing to do would be nice. But finding out you took the wrong turn after a very long and exhausting drive, taking one step back to admit the graffiti you did on the wall is ugly, then move one to fix things… now that takes courage. And patience. (Man that was lame. Sounded like I was naming two cats. Add “precious lesson” and you get yourself another cat! Haha)

Point is, all the things you did wrong made you the person you are now. True, you can learn from the things you did right. But mistakes, my friend, is one hell of a teacher! The bigger it was, the stronger you remember the lesson it gives.

So, yeah, dare to do things differently. That is if you want to know what you are really made of.

I’m done acting emo now. And you had just wasted a perfectly good 10 minutes of your life.

Image Source: ELMO, EMO-QUEEN, Robbie Williams, Emoo!

.

The Man Upstairs wanted us to be happy. That’s why he created weed, junk food, and internet porn. (and Dewi Persik - because she’s just so entertaining!! woot! woot! And, well, she actually makes me feel better about myself…)

So go with french fries if you want a life time supply of loving from me, with a bonus of daily butt/boobs/younameit gropes from the kinky housemate of mine.

For those who’d rather have a yacht with their cheeseburger,, go join MLM! (Multi Level Marketing.ed) Because with MLM, it’s not just about getting a yacht… it’s about getting your very own PRIVATE yacht! a yacht so exclusive you cruise with style! Because why cruise with human beings when you can cruise with style? *blonde moment*

I mean, even the hands-down-TV-Superstar Joey Tribbiani doesn’t share food,, so why should you share a yacht? That would be as pointless as a zebracross, right?

Yes, you’re thinking what I’m thinking: Why invite those who slams their door right on your face and deliberately rejects your phone calls and never return your emails, right? those who pretend to not see you on the hallway, and immediately turn invisible on the messenger as soon as you buzzed, super right?

So go sail that yacht BY YOURSELF BECAUSE I COULDN’T CARE LESS, YOU ANNOYING MLM FLEA YOU! yeah, that’s how we see you, alright… like fleas; banyak dan menggganggu! di ulangi untuk efek dramatis- MENGGANGGU!

So the next time you ring my door bell, send me spam mails, terror my cellphone, or do all three at once… here’s what I have in mind:

Op.1

MLM (iamsofrigginannoyingitevenannoysdewipersik) wait, that’s too long.

MLM (RESE!): *rings bell* *rings bell ANNOYINGLY!*

Yoanita (I’m not changing my nick because my name is already pretty): *evil smug*

RESE!: Hey have you given enough thought on the partnership I offered you for the very special project I told you about yesterday? It’s really different from others, you see, you don’t have to do anything at all and in a month you’ll have enough money to buy an island in Dubai! All you have to do is find 2.324.567.098 friends to join! I know you’re wondering how could I afford this Prada Bag, right? I got it after joining this very-different-from-the-others business for only 2 days, 3 hours and 42 cents! (??) I’ll tell you all about it inside, c’mon..

Already Pretty: Have you ever played a game called Galaksin? No? Well, it goes like this: you try your ass off to pass my guard so you could get to the other side… kinda like what you’re doing now, you see… and I, well, I make sure that IT WONT EVER HAPPEN, YOU RETARDED MLM RETARD YOU!!

Op.2

Ask parents to play along…

RESE!: So have you thought about my offer? and hey,  urrmm,, what’s up with your mom there?

Already pretty”s mom: *shivering then growling then swinging back and forth, repeatedly while blankly stares at garden* (to make it more dramatic, play STING’s “Dessert Rose” as back sound).

Already pretty: Oh.. yeah.. it was because of an MLM she used to be all obsessive compulsive on.. turns out that MLM’s are all works of the devil so those who follow will never met Heaven’s door.. she got depressed because of that fact, then yeah as you can see for yourself…

Op.3

RESE!: Hi Yoan!

Already Pretty: Yoan’s in Bandung.

RESE!: hahaha… you should consider being a stand-up comedian for a living, you know.. *laughs ANNOYINGLY WHILE CLAPS HAND AND STOMPS FEET* (I know.. what sane person would do that, right?)

Already Pretty: And you should consider checking up your mental health because you’re delusional, I’m not Yoan.

RESE!: hahaha… you aaaaaar, silly!

Already Pretty: You may think I am, but I’m really not. Really.

RESE!: is it April Fools already? or am I on “MTV Boiling Points” or something? where’s the camera? You’re Yoan! She’s Yoan, folks! She can’t fool me… oh no you can’t, sweetie pie…

Already Pretty: You know, SWEETIE PIE, instead of a box of chocolate, I wish Life was just like Facebook, where I can DELETE YOU FROM MY FRIENDS LIST ANYTIME I WANT WITHOUT YOU BEING SEVERELY STUPID ABOUT IT YOU ASSWIPE GO AWAY YOU ARE KILLING MY BRAIN CELLS AND I AM JUST ONE STEP CLOSER TO SLAPPING YOUR INSIDES OUT! There. It’s really not Yoan, SEE?

Image Source: French Fries, Cheeseburger, Yacht.

you know, it’s kinda shitty when people expect more from you. it places you under a lot of pressure, as if PMS doesn’t already encourage you to kill yourself! (scientifically proven, read ‘why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps’).

But it’s also shitty when people expect less. True, being underestimated kinda advantages you in a way; you get the chance to be SURPRISINGLY OUTSTANDING and later can put that RIGHT ON THEIR FACE! But on the other hand, to go all emo slash deep and over analyzing why they underestimated you at the first place…is kinda depressing. Your tired mind began to become fat full with your own assumptions which, off course, will mostly be negative considering you were already in a shitty emotional state to begin with.

But I guess the worst one is when people don’t expect anything from you. It’s kinda like reading YOU MEAN ZERO TO ME, DAHLIN on their foreheads. I think I wouldn’t mind much if anyone expects nothing from me, because well, it’s less exhausting. Just as long they don’t say it to my face (or write it down on their foreheads).

Truth is a concept, like any other stuff, that differs from one person to another. Some wants needs to hear it for motivational purposes to boost some energy to fight back, for instance. And there are some who is just better off not knowing the truth so that they could just live free from fear or worry which will help them in maintaining positive thoughts that are more constructive to them.

So I guess it depends on character. And people need to respect that. So I vote for people to be more considerate in delivering their thoughts when a girl is having cramps. Because some girls PMS like a psycho bitch. and the ones who don’t, trust me you, have more complex issues in daily basis.

My boyfriend told me once that we can’t always take what people say as a reflection of who they are as a person. Because sometimes, they say things out of anger. or depression. or whatever unpleasant emotional state their in. (yeah I know, my dorky boyfriend can be really wise sometimes and I adore him for that).

So yeah, I get it, if people mess around with me when I’m PMSing, I don’t think they’re an asshole. I just think they’re an asshole for saying that to me when they know I’m PMSing, despite that moment they also got issues. comprehend?

Image Source.

1. People in big cities don’t have time to go to the movies.

They work from 9 am to 5 pm, then later on (some) party from 11 pm to 3 am. And in between lays the torture of traffic jams. And FYI, living in a third world country, you need to get a tetanus shot before getting close to any public transportation, therefore you need your very own sterile vehicle although you have no knowledge whatsoever of berlalu-lintas. (I stand free from all prejudice as I was being sarcastic).

2. There aren’t that much of Indonesians that have the privilege of beauty sleeps.

That’s why we have such exotic skin tone. (Notice that Snow White sleeps a lot). Therefore, on weekends, when it’s almost impossible to get a parking spot at malls, or even get to the mall (think: Bandung!), we seek for the help of boring movies to help us sleep. Because, a large number of female Indonesian citizens MUST.GET.SKIN.LIGHTER (repeat the last four words like a zombie). They even brutally encourage it on commercials! They have gotten insane, Andre! Insane!

Besides, what could be more boring than Britney in Crossroads? (I swore I heard someone shriek “Jessica Simpson!” then add “In her daily life!”).

3. Regarding to what I wrote on the previous number -about attempting the impossible (read: getting to the mall at weekends), I must explain to you this: ALL OF our malls are located IN THE CENTRAL OF THE CITY! GROUNDZERO! That situation makes those who wants to be a good parent by driving their kids to school and the people that wants to get to work on time but still have the privilege of having a proper breakfast at home with their family needs to leave way too early because people that wants to go grocery shopping or swimming uses the exact same friggin way! Wouldn’t it be less stressful if you’re stuck in a traffic jam on your way back to the office after a lunch break because there are also a lot of fellow workers that wanted to eat lunch with their family at home and not because Marion or Chacha or Tazmanian Devil wants to go bra shopping?? Comprehend?, Esteban?

4. And the malls -each of all the 124 malls located ON THE CENTRE OF THE CITY- are ALWAYS CROWDED CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WE ARE A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY?  Excuse me, this is a disease, I just have to hit the caps lock button! It’s sort of like “Trigger Finger”, you know… (and Hamish asks, “does your medical condition sound made up?”). So yeah, going to the theaters is a luxury. Of time, that is. And for some remote areas in Indonesia, it’s a myth.

5. You need to deposit 1.500.000 IDR (equal to more than $166) if you want to be a member of a legal movie rental and rent ‘the good-citizen-way”. So I guess that makes it only logical for college students (yang adalah konsumen terbesar industri perfilman - I’m to lazy to think of the proper English for that, I apologize) to hit an illegal movie rental. Illegal as in they rent out pirated DVDs (but with outstanding quality! Or some might recognize as “KWsatu”). Such rentals are scattered all over a campus area. Which benefits the rentals because students also live around the campus area in what we call as “indehoy!” “indekos” or “kos-kosan”. (It’s sort of like we have to. Hint: how our traffic is).

6. Because it’s foreign, it’s imported. That makes these original DVDs kinda overpriced, you know… Because, seriously, why would someone pay 139.000 IDR (equal to around $15 *stares meaningfully*) to see Britney act all innocent and well behaved? Wait, I think that was a wrong analogy.

7. Peribahasa nila setitik merusak susu sebelanga maka mari kita curangi saja mereka. Read: Hollywood pushes that button, baby…

“Love Wrecked”. Staring Amanda cruella Bynes and her ‘spe-ci-al’ parents.

D for Dad, M for Mom, B for Bitch Bynes.

D: The temperature in Indonesia is 95

B: Why don’t you take mom to a real vacation? Like, maybe, a country with indoor plumbing? *SLAP!*

D: We get to be in nature’s belly; no cars, no phones, no worldwide web. Just the two of us…

M: Yeah, and nude beaches… *then both growls*

Another scene… through answering machine (which I also have in my house in Indonesia, you bitch!):

“You’ve reached the Taylors. Jenny’s in the Carribean. Ben and Bree are in the jungles of Indonesia. Possibly naked. Leave a message”.

It’s only OK to say “Asians will eat your dog!” if you’re Asian! That’s text book! *stares meaningfully* and we do have indoor plumbings! You would’ve known that if only your boobs weren’t so big!! Wait, I can’t say that. *looks down*

“Jumanji”. Staring Kirsten introducemetoabra Dunst and Robbin Williams. No middle name, I love him.

Patrol officer (P), Robbin Williams (R), anti-bra (K).

R had just gotten out of Jumanji he has been trapped inside the game for 26 years, he grew up in some magical jungle place, whatever. Here’s the scene where he was “let loose” in the 1995 neighborhood and a patrol officer ran into him.

P: You got some ID? Oh let me guess, you probably left it in your other Tarzan outfit, right?

R: 26 years?

P: Are you from around here?

R: I was, but I’ve been in Juman…

K: Indonesia! He was in the peace corps.

P: Is this man related to you?

K: Yes, sir. He’s our uncle.

P: Does he always dress like that?

K: Well yeah, he’s a vegetarian. (you smarty! Let me give you a bra for that! Wear it when you star “Crazy/Beautiful” in the future, ok?)

Indonesians have outstanding designers: Anne Avantie, Popy Darsono, Oscar Lawalata, Itang Yunaz, Ivan Gunawan. We dress sharply to office. We dress to kill when attending seminars. We wear ridiculously expensive outfits when clubbing. Bullshit. I don’t go clubbing, I volunteer in the girl’s scout on weekends. Double bullshit. But the part about our designers are true! So, K, maybe if you browse the internet you’d realize that we’re well dressed people. And who knows, maybe you’d finally find out about bras!

PS. Don’t take it personally, K. I still choose you over Maggie Gyllenhaal. Yeah, that bitch totally copied you on “Stranger Than Fiction”! But she wore a bra on The Dark Knight though. I love that movie. Heath Ledger’s performance as The Joker was orgasmic!

“The Sweetest Thing”. Staring Selma Blaire and her boss. No middle names again because, urm, they don’t mean much to me.

Boss to Selma Blaire at the store: Dear God I had just left for five minutes and this place is already like Indonesia?

Have you been to each and every city in Indonesia other than Jakarta??

“Never Been Kissed”. Staring Drew Barrymore and her teacher. No middle name for Drew because I think she’s cool.

Cool Drew: I’m from Billy, I mean Bali. I’m from Bali. Our family raise sheep there.

My gawd this post is already too long! I’ll leave this one to “Open Interpretation”. Oh and, Bali is not near Indonesia. It’s in Indonesia!

Bottom line, be picky! And FYI, I do buy originals. That is if they are GHA-GHA worth it -in my opinion. I have the original DVD of Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, The Fountain, Big Fish, Neverwas, Godfather trilogy, KALA (an Indonesian movie which I have in both original VCD and original DVD format), Arisan, Berbagi Suami, etc. So if you ask me why I rarely buy originals (of foreign movies), well, I need to ‘review’ it first, you know… *grin*

PS. My dear Indonesian friends, bantu sineas tanah air kita agar sanggup terus berkarya dengan tidak membeli bajakan film Indonesia ya? Biar industri perfilman kita semakin maju!

PPS. I am not trying to portray the traffic (in most of the big cities) in my country badly. It is indeed how things are. Therefore, I am delivering facts *nods wisely*. But anyways, I will post something positive about Indonesia for you to focus, later on. you know, seeing the glass half full and all. Have a marvelous day!

My friend, Mya, tagged me to make this list…

10 Things about Ahmad Dhani.

Number 1: a chauvinist male pig. Number 2 -10: an asshole.

Ok.. Ok…

10 Things about myself.

(Although you think you don’t want to know, you really do).

1. I don’t forgive and forget. I forgive, or I forget. Or I just think of it less.
2. I believe that cross-gender friendship can remain platonic for life. I pity those who thinks otherwise and then stick their narrow-minded so-called “theory” up people’s ass.
3. I am secretly terrified of those gigantic electronic animal thingy that kids pay to ride at malls.
4. I think my boyfriend is really funny and clowns are freakishly creepy.
5. The only baby I’m ever really interested in is my niece, Kayla. But the feeling is not mutual.
6. I want to be proposed in public, in a way my girlfriends would envy and my male bestfriends would copy.
7. I am insanely easy in trusting people although I advise my friends to be severely careful with new people.
8. I don’t hate Cinta Laura. She’s just a kid trying to be impressive, trying to find a way to make her school friends think she’s cool. But Dewi Persik, on the other hand, errrr…
9. I have poor sense of direction. But when it comes to quoting lines in a movie or memorizing song lyrics, I’m a certified dork.
10. I love the smell of clean laundry, getting flowers, hanging out with my retarded bestfriends, being around my quirky family, and my boyfriend, Andro.