absolutely trash.

1. Have never been a fan of Marshanda, but I honestly feel that it’s cruel for people to mock her like that. first of all, we have no idea of what she’s going through. but I bet she’s already going through hell, so why make it harder for her? second of all, after watching a couple of her videos on youtube,  I thought to myself; she loved him hard yaa.. we don’t get to see much of that kind of love nowadays, huh?
2. After not writing for so long, I’m signing in again to tell you how I feel for Marshanda, and that I am now employed, and my job is sucking the perkiness out of me. I even stopped being delusional. and that last bit pisses me off the most.
3. you either want to do it-or not. if you have even the tiniest doubt, or if you ask even just to one person whether you should do it or not, then don’t do it. “but what if” wont sound as sad as “what might have been”.
4. there are no rules about what you should or should not do because life plays tricks on you anyways.
5. so really, don’t be nice because you think have to. be nice because your morals were kicking in that exact moment. because your impulses tells you to. because you want to do it that very moment.
6. often when you thought it was gonna be hell, it turned out to be pretty ok. and when you thought it would be just fine…
7. so do whatever you feel like doing or saying or whatever whenever. even if it turns out ugly, at least that was what you wanted to do at that exact moment.
8. hold on as long as you can to that one title unemployed fresh-grads hate the most. seriously, if you’re gonna waste your youth on something that you’re not sure as hell about from the beginning, at least makes sure it’s something you have passion for. content is bahagia. not senang.
9. I am not talking about me.
10. Now I am. First, my boyfriend thought this blog has been terminated because I didn’t pay the domain or hosting or whatever bills.
11. I intend to keep it that way so shush!
12. I had just got back from Jogja with him, where I met the WHOLE army.
13. I cried on our flight back to jakarta, he didn’t notice, I was staring out the window and I guess he was asleep.
14. He has the warmest family in the world. It’s really easy to fall in love with them.
15. Sadly, at the same time, I kind of think I’m falling out of love with him.
16. I really want to be a part of the family, but I can see myself getting tired of him in the future.
17. we giggle over stupid things all the time, when the weather is right.
18. but when the heat is too high outside - you know how burning hot jogja is - …
19. I love that he wears jeans with the perfect length. Real men don’t wear multitask jeans that covers up your shoes as it sweeps the floor. I love that he doesn’t wear pink. and I love that he kisses me in front of his family.
20. Maybe I have issues with intimacy. after all, I am known to always get out before I even get in. Maybe it’s him. Maybe he can’t condition me to be open to him or whatever I have no idea.
21. but who ever made up the rules that we ought to know the right thing to do anyway?
22. He’s the longest serious relationship I have ever had, yet, I don’t feel like holding on to it just as much as I felt when we were still just at the beginning.
23. If we break up, I sure hope I get to be the one that’s truly happy first.
24. I don’t wish for us to break up.
25. but life plays tricks on you, right?

signing off,

little miss emo. lol.

The problem with unemployment is you actually have time to over-think things. Although you acutely understand that nothing good can come out of such brain activity. Or any brain activity, one would like to think. Well perhaps weight loss, in some cases, definitely not mine, as I prefer ice cream than therapy (because it’s cheaper and you don’t have to make an appointment).

A friend of mine once said that if my brains had foot, they’d run away from me. I think of way too many things. The perfect perbandingan would be (what’s perbandingan in proper English?); the total amount of the thoughts I have running like crazy in my head is equal to how much time you spend on facebook or yahoo messenger. Or your hair.

And because I am an awesome multitasker (is that even a word? Or is it multitaskist?), I can think of 5 different topics and focus on all of them at the same time! And this is actually a contradiction towards my own personality. (??) Well, I’d like to think that I am as hot as Elisha Cuthbert in Girl Next Door who just ‘goes with it’, and I do tell people that. (To just go with things~ Not tell them that I’m hot. lol.) I recall a guy telling me how much he thinks that it was very cool of me not to think much and just dive in a situation. That must be the nicest thing someone has ever said to me. And ironically, it’s not even true. It’s not that I don’t think much. It’s that I DO too much of it that it jams the system in my brain causing me to act neurotically, which some people might take as impulsive. Does that make any sense to you? I was like, “should I really put my thoughts into sentences and load it on the internet?”, because that’d only justify how much I never really make sense. But then I guess a blog is a pretty good tool for publication, you know, you can use it to declare things and explain yourself, which you don’t really have to do by the way. But I’m doing it anyway, this late, it’s almost 5 a.m in the morning and I haven’t slept all night!

A friend told to stop thinking of too many things and just focus on one specific thing that really matters. That must be the dumbest (again, does that vocab even exist? Or should I just rephrase it to “most moronic”?) piece of advice in world history! It’s like telling someone to only floss the teeth that they want to keep.

I just had a fight with dearest boyfran. It would be a lot easier if the fight was physical. You know, with big red boxing gloves and all. Because then I’d only need one hit from him to make me cry –because I am sure it would hurt like hell-, and he’d stop fighting in an instant. Yes, girls usually love arguing because they usually get to be the one that wins. But in our case, it’s much more complicated than that because the girl here happens to be me. Even winning isn’t satisfying enough! And I can’t really tell you why because I’m my own enigma. Just sympathize the dude that has me as a girlfriend because what chance in hell does he have in understanding me when I don’t even get myself.

I should really stop all this Emo tunes in my head and start acting like every other girl in this universe; perky. I guess if you fake an attitude long enough, it’ll become your character. Like the wiseman said; fake it till you make it!

PS. It might help if I start listening to Beyonce, right?

PPS. I heart you.

* while wasting time, I edited this picture I took of him with my cellphone centuries ago~ Hope you like it =)

I hate illustrations. And hate is a pretty strong word.

My final paper (and I still feel weird biological urges in my stomach everytime I journey back to those ‘dark ages’, and by that I meant when I was having a hard time finishing my final paper) required some reading about an also very dark time in the human history; the Holocaust. I bought plenty books about it, one of which was this colorful history book with lots and lots of illustrations on almost every page. It’s safe to say that the book had more pictures than text. With the purchase of those books, I also bought lots of medium size post-its which I later use to cover each and every illustration displayed on the book so I wouldn’t get goose bumps while reading it. And it’s mainly because the pictures are severely heartbreaking. Also, I am secretly afraid of almost anything not human that has eyes on them. I walk fast when passing those butt-ugly animal machines the malls have for children to ride. Let alone clowns and mannequins.

And trust me, you don’t want to take a book about Holocaust when you go to the little girl’s room. Nothing is more frightening than having Hitler’s eyes staring at you as you go for number two.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. Not the “the world doesn’t understand me” kind of Emosomnia drama (Emosomnia is my way of saying Emo Insomnia, also was my attempt of being seen as creative and funny). It was more of a “I have no friggin idea why” kind. I became to get really angry at anyone that comes through my mind because I was (seriously) wondering how could they sleep unknowingly I can’t sleep? Well, it didn’t sound as stupid in my head last night.

Having absolutely nothing to do, and acknowledging how it is very dangerous for me to be alone with my own thoughts (that’s exactly why music was created, right? So you wouldn’t be left alone with yourself when you drive alone at night), I then decided to go look up my condition in the Modern Psychopathology Encyclopedia that I haven’t open in ages, if not ever. Why I even own one is something I absolutely didn’t plan on. That sentence could’ve been the start of something more interesting if only wasn’t followed by, “Well, I accidentally spilled juice all over my friend’s book so I had to buy a new one for her”. You see, I wasn’t planning on being mental. I just spilled juice one day and the next thing I know I have OCD! *stares meaningfully* Well, the symptoms lead to that. But that’s not what I’m talking about right now.

As I was going through the pages, there it was! …. An illustration. Suddenly I felt like I was doing my final paper all over again.

I hate illustrations. And hate is a pretty strong word.

How a little girl can euphorically attack a chocolate donut.

Dear All,

You may pee on the words that I bold. (I feel ’so not loved’ *sob sob* for even having to explain the bits where I’m being sarcastic).

I had a muchly fun sunday with my bestiepoo, and another bestfriend of mine,, and another potential bestfriend

I also had tea that tasted like crap. Not that I have tasted crap. Just that, if crap were to be eaten by anyone, gawd forbid, it’d prolly tasted like the tea I had for dinner today. Not that my dinner was just tea. Off course not.

I had just made myself look retarded, I know. Anyways, I second Andy Warhol! “Everyone should like everyone!” really. It has to be that way. it just has to. and if you don’t like a certain someone, then too bad. You’re not as cool as Andy Warhol. (??)

But if that person happens to be AD (you may think it’s Ahmad Dhani, but really, it isn’t. really), then it’s REALLY OK. really. it has to be that way, it just has to.

Because one of the requirements to be considered cool is to despise AD. And all his demonic offspring whom carries the name; Omen#1, Omen#2, and urmm, Damien. I hope Omen#1, Omen#2, and Damien would listen to their mother more so that they wont end up being a male chauvinist pig like AD, and they could just color their hair whore-red and wear a really classy tiger suit and dance in a really KEWL cage on video clips that features Cinta Laura, because that would just make me jealous.

Right now the word you are looking for is: ANYWAY,,,, I am dead happy of how today ended. so happy that I feel like telling you a tale, a fairy tale. gather round, gather round..

Once upon a time, lived a Princes with her fake plastic tree and her plastic green water can. The Princees loves Radiohead first album, Pablo Honey, but was ashamed to admit so. She told her friends she enjoyed ST 12 and Kangen Band instead. You know how far teenagers would go to get accepted. She was just fine until her cellphone rang. And I wonder who called, and I wonder why. What caused such an extreme mood change? urrmmmm maybe it’s the ceiling! yes,, it has to be the ceiling! it just has to! uh, or maybe the door-knob?? that has got to be it!! or maybe it’s the window?? or the dinning table?? or the grandfather clock?? or the tiger balm?? just the one. definitely the balm!

Random fact: I feel like drinking A&W’s root beer right now, and I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe because even in misery, I am lame.

off to beauty sleep now, because tomorrow is a big day! and you know it. That’s exactly why you escorted me to such a pleasant emotional state, right? you are like beyond awesome! you are my superman! woot woot!!

___

I think I have been loving you too much for our own good. Either it’s “I have been expecting too much from you” or “I have been thinking too highly of you”, I don’t know. I don’t want to know right now. I just want to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel real loveee lalalaa (I don’t memorize the lyrics to Robbie Williams’ song much).

it’s Robbie Williams song, right? He is so full of crap. And I’m just saying this because I am high on anger sugar. I blame the teh tawar anget I had with dinner today.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it.

It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…

You give them a piece of you.

They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

(Neil Gaiman, “The Sandman“)

I had just ‘accidentally’ stumbled upon a blog that surprisingly turned out to be an old friend of mine’s. Didn’t know he was into blogging. yeah he deals with IT stuff, but blogging is a whole different thing. and has never been one of his interest. The first entry was posted on November 2008, and since then there were only less than 10 posts, so I take he’s still not into blogging. he just needs someone to talk to. maybe.

I found my name in one of the post. it was written just days before Christmas. he quoted a line from a movie that said something about having to tell the truth on Christmas. then there it was, my name, followed by an apology.

so, let me give you the same thrill, if ever you ‘accidentally’ drop by here.

Seriously, don’t apologize. no one was the big bad wolf in that story. So whenever you feel like talking, perhaps over coffee, then I’m just a phone call away. I am offering you my ears, and I could offer you that only. But I’ll be there, ok?

and if by saying “I wish you happiness” is cliche, then I’m being a cliche.

ah, and by the way, Happy Blogging! =)

Dear All.

Today (December 4th, 2008) has been a really tough day. Had some ‘thesis-crisis’ that lead to a THREE hour crying my eyes out (yes, I am such a cry baby. Shoot me), not to mention the time I actually shed tears wept in front of so many people, a decision to take some time off from my part time job (people at my work place are just awesome!), a decision to log off from yoaniverse for a while (who’d cyber-miss me anyway? Note to self: must.stop.being.delusional.), Daddy wanting to do something (I would not be proud of) to someone who did something (I’m sure that person is not proud of) to me (yes, he’s creepy that way. That’s why I Love him!), Mother planning to come visit and stay with me for a while (which I do want, I miss how she smells and all, but I’m not sure we’ll survive long-term), and my sisters being all nice and polite and actually calls my cell phone (??).

I hope you will all behave well while I’m gone. Have a great week! And please do something fun this week so at least one of us is having a great time. (and that at all doesn’t sound pathetic).

MAY YOU ALL HAVE A BLAST!

XOXO,

Yoan.

Almost graduating from my UNI strangely makes me even want to step out from my comfort zone more. Too late? I hope not.

I’m a sucker when it comes to trust, so in some way I don’t know, I sort uv build up this self-defense mechanism to ‘distant myself’ from new people. Like creating a jurang or whatever my 10 years of bestfriend, Egan, used to say I unconsciously do.

So the next time I fear stepping out of my comfort zone, I think of the friends I didn’t get to know, and the people I regret ever spending energy and emotion on. The guys that turned out to be frogs.. and the frogs that no matter how many times you kiss them, stays amphibian.

I realize what I’ve lost when I didn’t take the next day’s quiz seriously. And even more on the days when I took the exams too seriously that I wasted a perfectly beautiful evening being anti-social in my room.

Also the days I went to class hating the lecturer and the days I ditched classes with the warmest lecturer just to go hang out with friends (I mean WTF Jo?! There are people who find education a luxury and you’re actually throwing all the good things away because you find it fun?? You could’ve done it on the weekends, but noooo weekdays are more FUN).

There were also days when I let my closest people abuse me verbally and dictate how to feel about myself. That was severely idiotic. Even for me! (Never give a rat’s ass towards what people say about you, even when it’s something overwhelming. Cliché as it may sound; just listen to yourself lagh~ Kalau kata bungkus permen karet Big Bubble, “anggap pujian itu ujian” *stares meaningfully* haha).

Ah, and how I wasted those days I stayed with a guy in a hope that I could somehow put his drug problem to an end. How could I ever forget I was once THAT dumb!? Luckily I have some pretty good friends that slapped me out of it. Playing Mother Theresa is never a solution when it comes to having relationships with morons. Leaving, however, is.

I’m not saying I regret doing all the above. I’m just saying that, sometimes, realistically, I do wish I had done some things differently. Yeah..yeah.. go bitch on me those ‘live life without regret’ idealism jargon. Admit it, there’s always that moment where you stopped for even just a second to think “damn I should’ve!” or “damn I shouldn’t!”. And that’s ok. Because at the end what really matters is whether you give in to that voice inside your head or you resist it.

So yeah, I think it’s human to be against Robbie Williams’ song. Because I think the  reason you’re singing no regrets at the first place is because you are actually in the middle of feeling some regret. So you sing it to turn it around, to encourage yourself to step out of the crap because, and it’s true, you don’t need it.

No one needs to be in a shitty state. But somehow, people keep going there. Maybe because they’re tired. Maybe because they’re lonely. And maybe because they don’t know where else to go.

So I guess it’s safe to say that life, among other interpretations or self-definitions, is also about learning how to get yourself out of that dark place, and realizing at the end that there are some people who are blonde enough to want to drag you out of there. (And as return, you find in yourself the willingness to kill for the people you feel like killing in some other moments).

Come to think of it, and after several throwing punches in the air moments, the mistakes you made really shouldn’t be regretted. Because they help you tell right from wrong, good from bad, fake from true. There’s no manual or guide book in living life. So it’s OK if you did something wrong once in a while… or if someone you give a fuck about does you wrong. Shit happens. So you really don’t need to be all mellow dramatic about it.

Yeah, I guess being the kid who always knows the right thing to do would be nice. But finding out you took the wrong turn after a very long and exhausting drive, taking one step back to admit the graffiti you did on the wall is ugly, then move one to fix things… now that takes courage. And patience. (Man that was lame. Sounded like I was naming two cats. Add “precious lesson” and you get yourself another cat! Haha)

Point is, all the things you did wrong made you the person you are now. True, you can learn from the things you did right. But mistakes, my friend, is one hell of a teacher! The bigger it was, the stronger you remember the lesson it gives.

So, yeah, dare to do things differently. That is if you want to know what you are really made of.

I’m done acting emo now. And you had just wasted a perfectly good 10 minutes of your life.

Image Source: ELMO, EMO-QUEEN, Robbie Williams, Emoo!

you know, it’s kinda shitty when people expect more from you. it places you under a lot of pressure, as if PMS doesn’t already encourage you to kill yourself! (scientifically proven, read ‘why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps’).

But it’s also shitty when people expect less. True, being underestimated kinda advantages you in a way; you get the chance to be SURPRISINGLY OUTSTANDING and later can put that RIGHT ON THEIR FACE! But on the other hand, to go all emo slash deep and over analyzing why they underestimated you at the first place…is kinda depressing. Your tired mind began to become fat full with your own assumptions which, off course, will mostly be negative considering you were already in a shitty emotional state to begin with.

But I guess the worst one is when people don’t expect anything from you. It’s kinda like reading YOU MEAN ZERO TO ME, DAHLIN on their foreheads. I think I wouldn’t mind much if anyone expects nothing from me, because well, it’s less exhausting. Just as long they don’t say it to my face (or write it down on their foreheads).

Truth is a concept, like any other stuff, that differs from one person to another. Some wants needs to hear it for motivational purposes to boost some energy to fight back, for instance. And there are some who is just better off not knowing the truth so that they could just live free from fear or worry which will help them in maintaining positive thoughts that are more constructive to them.

So I guess it depends on character. And people need to respect that. So I vote for people to be more considerate in delivering their thoughts when a girl is having cramps. Because some girls PMS like a psycho bitch. and the ones who don’t, trust me you, have more complex issues in daily basis.

My boyfriend told me once that we can’t always take what people say as a reflection of who they are as a person. Because sometimes, they say things out of anger. or depression. or whatever unpleasant emotional state their in. (yeah I know, my dorky boyfriend can be really wise sometimes and I adore him for that).

So yeah, I get it, if people mess around with me when I’m PMSing, I don’t think they’re an asshole. I just think they’re an asshole for saying that to me when they know I’m PMSing, despite that moment they also got issues. comprehend?

Image Source.