absolutely trash.

Almost graduating from my UNI strangely makes me even want to step out from my comfort zone more. Too late? I hope not.

I’m a sucker when it comes to trust, so in some way I don’t know, I sort uv build up this self-defense mechanism to ‘distant myself’ from new people. Like creating a jurang or whatever my 10 years of bestfriend, Egan, used to say I unconsciously do.

So the next time I fear stepping out of my comfort zone, I think of the friends I didn’t get to know, and the people I regret ever spending energy and emotion on. The guys that turned out to be frogs.. and the frogs that no matter how many times you kiss them, stays amphibian.

I realize what I’ve lost when I didn’t take the next day’s quiz seriously. And even more on the days when I took the exams too seriously that I wasted a perfectly beautiful evening being anti-social in my room.

Also the days I went to class hating the lecturer and the days I ditched classes with the warmest lecturer just to go hang out with friends (I mean WTF Jo?! There are people who find education a luxury and you’re actually throwing all the good things away because you find it fun?? You could’ve done it on the weekends, but noooo weekdays are more FUN).

There were also days when I let my closest people abuse me verbally and dictate how to feel about myself. That was severely idiotic. Even for me! (Never give a rat’s ass towards what people say about you, even when it’s something overwhelming. Cliché as it may sound; just listen to yourself lagh~ Kalau kata bungkus permen karet Big Bubble, “anggap pujian itu ujian” *stares meaningfully* haha).

Ah, and how I wasted those days I stayed with a guy in a hope that I could somehow put his drug problem to an end. How could I ever forget I was once THAT dumb!? Luckily I have some pretty good friends that slapped me out of it. Playing Mother Theresa is never a solution when it comes to having relationships with morons. Leaving, however, is.

I’m not saying I regret doing all the above. I’m just saying that, sometimes, realistically, I do wish I had done some things differently. Yeah..yeah.. go bitch on me those ‘live life without regret’ idealism jargon. Admit it, there’s always that moment where you stopped for even just a second to think “damn I should’ve!” or “damn I shouldn’t!”. And that’s ok. Because at the end what really matters is whether you give in to that voice inside your head or you resist it.

So yeah, I think it’s human to be against Robbie Williams’ song. Because I think the  reason you’re singing no regrets at the first place is because you are actually in the middle of feeling some regret. So you sing it to turn it around, to encourage yourself to step out of the crap because, and it’s true, you don’t need it.

No one needs to be in a shitty state. But somehow, people keep going there. Maybe because they’re tired. Maybe because they’re lonely. And maybe because they don’t know where else to go.

So I guess it’s safe to say that life, among other interpretations or self-definitions, is also about learning how to get yourself out of that dark place, and realizing at the end that there are some people who are blonde enough to want to drag you out of there. (And as return, you find in yourself the willingness to kill for the people you feel like killing in some other moments).

Come to think of it, and after several throwing punches in the air moments, the mistakes you made really shouldn’t be regretted. Because they help you tell right from wrong, good from bad, fake from true. There’s no manual or guide book in living life. So it’s OK if you did something wrong once in a while… or if someone you give a fuck about does you wrong. Shit happens. So you really don’t need to be all mellow dramatic about it.

Yeah, I guess being the kid who always knows the right thing to do would be nice. But finding out you took the wrong turn after a very long and exhausting drive, taking one step back to admit the graffiti you did on the wall is ugly, then move one to fix things… now that takes courage. And patience. (Man that was lame. Sounded like I was naming two cats. Add “precious lesson” and you get yourself another cat! Haha)

Point is, all the things you did wrong made you the person you are now. True, you can learn from the things you did right. But mistakes, my friend, is one hell of a teacher! The bigger it was, the stronger you remember the lesson it gives.

So, yeah, dare to do things differently. That is if you want to know what you are really made of.

I’m done acting emo now. And you had just wasted a perfectly good 10 minutes of your life.

Image Source: ELMO, EMO-QUEEN, Robbie Williams, Emoo!